My Soul to Take
by LivBenson413
Summary: Post Her Negotiation. After enduring a long trial, a break up, and being shadowed upon as a victim, Olivia Benson as been through utter darkness and hell. Can her partner show her a taste of heaven or will she burn in the everlasting flames? Rated T for mild language.
1. Chapter 1

He's knocked on the door 4 times. He's thinking about walking away and leaving her alone. It was a little after nine anyway so he thought she was just asleep. It'd been 3 weeks since the trial. They grilled her on the stand, saying some crap about her wanting it or being obsessed with him. They hassled her so hard, she broke down in tears on the stand. He'd never seen that side of the hard shelled partner he'd worked with for nearly 3 years.

He was about to give up and walk away when he hears the chain on the inside of her apartment rattle. The door slowly opens halfway and he sees her dark eyes.

"Liv?"

"What is it, Nick?"

His skin shivers at the sound of her voice. She's changed so much emotionally and physically. She stands in front of him wearing a pair of sweatpants and sweatshirt. Her voice sounds so weak and strained. Her eyes have dark circles under them and bags. He wasn't too sure but it even looked like she'd lost weight. This is not the Badass Benson he knew.

"I just wanted to see how you were doing. We're worried about you."

"I'm fine."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

He glances into her apartment. It is so dark and cold looking. To him, it looked like one of those horror scenes before a strange creature jumps out and scares the crap out of you.

"Olivia, his ass is going to rot in prison for what he did to you."

"Him going to prison isn't going to change what happened, what he did to me."

"He'll never be able to hurt you again."

"Don't give me that crap." She replies coldly.

"Isn't that what you tell victims?"

She opens the door all the way. "I am not a victim. Don't ever call me that."

"Ok, I'm sorry," He looks into her apartment. "It's dark in there."

"I know."

"Don't you want some light?"

"No. If there's light, there are shadows. If there's no light there are no shadows."

"You can't live in darkness."

"Why can't I? When I go into the light, all I see is rape and torture. In the dark all I see is obscurity."

"Obscurity? Liv, you can't stay bottled up."

"I'm not bottled up. I've accepted that it happened," She sighs. "It was bound to happen at some point anyway."

He goes to place his hands on her shoulder but she inches away quickly. He stares back at her. "Don't say that. Things like this are never bound to happen."

She scoffs sadly. "Look at me Nick, look at me. I've been doing this job for 14 years and I've had my fair share of close calls and free passes. I guess this time karma bit me back."

"You never ask for this to happen."

"You don't have to ask for what you deserve."

"Stop it Olivia. No one deserves this. No matter what anyone says, this is not humane."

"This world isn't humane, Nick. I just have to accept that it's my fault."

"It's not your fault," He says softly not wanting to disturb any of her neighbors in the hallway. "Don't blame yourself."

"I'm a veteran cop. You'd think that I'd have enough damn sense to draw my gun the second I knew something was wrong."

"It's still not your fault. Maybe drawing your gun wasn't your first instinct."

"We wouldn't be having this conversation if it was, now would we?"

He sighs. "You should get some sleep. You look tired."

"I'm not tired," She admits, clearly lying.

"Your eyes look tired. Just get some sleep," He argues.

"I said I'm not tired."

"Then relax."

She rolls her eyes. "Like I can relax."

"I'll stop by in the morning."

"Are you asking me or telling me?"

He shrugs.

"Why?" She questions.

"Because I care about my partner."

She looks into his eyes and sees the seriousness. "Bye Nick," She says closing the door a little.

"Night Liv."

* * *

He stares at her empty desk in front of him. It's been like that for 3 weeks and he wasn't getting anymore used to it. He missed her smile and laugh that would get him past all the horrors he sees on this job.

He feels a hand grab his shoulder.

"Hey Nick."

He sighs. "Hey Amanda."

She looks at him, then the direction of his eyes. "How she doing?"

"Not good. Her curtains are drawn and her apartment is pitch black for heaven's sake."

"How was she this morning?"

He sighs again and shakes his head. "She attacked me."

"Attacked you?"

He nods. "I went there. She opened the door. She stared at me like I was going to kill her Amanda. She thought I was him. She looked so afraid, so helpless. She started hitting me and hitting me."

"She's taking it hard."

"And there's not a damn thing I can do about it."

"You can give her time."

"What the hell is that going to do?" He turns and faces her, revealing the nail scratch on the side of his face. "She's falling apart in front of my eyes. She's trying so hard to stay strong but I see it on her eyes, she's giving up Amanda."

"Do you know how stubborn she is, she's not going to give up."

"You didn't see her. That look in her eye was-scary, almost dead like."

"Maybe she needs someone to lean on. Someone she trusts."

"Like who?"

"Her partner."

* * *

She curls up on the couch, staring into the night. Her stomach is screaming at her to eat, but she's too tired to move or eat. She pulls the blanket to her chin and feels the tears that she rarely sheds run down her face. She attempts to close her eyes for only a second only to immediately open them back. She sees him staring at her with crazy eyes holding a cigarette over her body every time she shuts her eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

She really didn't or couldn't feel like answering the door and by the number of knocks, this person wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. All day long she'd gotten visits from Amanda, Fin, and Nick. She just wanted to be left alone. She wanted to rest and put those horrible memories as far back in her mind as she could. As the flashbacks flood into her mind, Lowell Harris also started to invade those thoughts, too. She couldn't even sleep at night for fear of nightmares that she could never wake from. She constantly wonders what she did so badly to deserve this hell she called a life. She'd given her life up to protect and help people and in return, she gets raped.

Getting annoyed with the constant knocks that have now turned into bangs; she pulled herself from the toilet. She groaned feeling another wave of sickness and nauseas plague over her body. She tried to walk, but grabbed the sink for leverage when she realized that her dizziness was going to make that near the past few days, her body's been overcome with this constant sick feeling. Being the skeptic that she is, she blames it on a stomach bug. Taking a deep breath, she pulled herself from the sink and gathered up enough strength to make it to the door. She unlatched the chain and pulled the door toward her.

"Hey Liv," He greeted staring back into her empty eyes.

She sighed. "Hi," She allowed.

"Liv, do you think we could talk?"

She shook her head wanting so much to just close the door and lie down. "Now's not a good time," She told him.

"Please?"

She shook her head once more. "I don't feel up to talking."

"It's just...we haven't talked since the break up and-"

She put her hand up to stop whatever he was planning on saying next. It probably wouldn't be worth much to her anyway. "Brian, I'm tired, I don't feel well, and my body is aching. I really don't want to talk about whatever it is you came here to talk about so-"

"You talk to Amaro," He said in more of a statement than a question.

She frowned a little. "I talked to Fin and Amanda, too."

"But, you still talked to Amaro." He leaned against the doorframe. "Right?"

"Don't start Brian."

"I'll take that as a yes." He squinted at her. "You'll talk to him and them but not me, is that it?"

She furrowed her eyebrow. "Where the hell is this coming from Brian?"

"I'm not stupid Liv, you're talking to him, but you won't talk to me. What kind of shit is that?"

She couldn't believe he was getting into this with her right now and she wasn't in the mood. She hated to admit it, but she was raped, and all he can sit here and worry about is who she talks to. She hated when he got jealous like this, especially when she talked to another man that wasn't him. He didn't seem like the jealous type when they first started dating 7 months ago, but, I guess you never really know people as well as you think.

"What is your problem? I talked to him, so fucking what, you're not my keeper and you damn sure don't get to interrogate me on who I talk to."

He wanted to just push by her and walk into her apartment, but he knew that would probably get him a knee to the balls. "All I'm saying is that I'm your boyfriend, that's what I'm here for. You don't need to talk to him or anyone else for that matter."

"Grow the hell up Brian. Oh, and you were my boyfriend but as of now, you're just a trespasser who's making my life worse than what it is now."

He shut his eyes for a moment as he realized what he just said. "Dammit Liv, I'm so sorry, I really am."

"Leave me alone, Brian."

He took a step forward. "Liv, please?"

"Goodbye Brian."

He nodded sadly. "Ok, I'll uh, see you later then." He stared at her for a moment. "Love you," He muttered.

Feeling hot tears form in her eyes, she shut the door without any response or closure. She wanted to cry so badly but her body was too tired and hurt to let any tears fall. She'd lost all emotion and feeling for Brian since the incident. It didn't seem right to tell him something that wasn't true. After what happened to her, she wasn't sure she'd ever love anyone again and she wasn't getting any younger. Just as she made her way to the couch to lie back down, another wave of nausea overcame her body. Cradling her mouth to avoid vomit on the floor, that she would not make much an effort to get up, she bolted toward the bathroom and basically fell in front of the toilet to empty whatever contents were in her stomach.

"What the hell is wrong with me?" She slurred pulling herself up from the toilet.


	3. Chapter 3

He knocked on the door, awaiting an answer. He'd gotten a call from her earlier, shockingly. She asked him if he could go out and get her some Ginger Ale because she wasn't feeling well. All in all, he was just glad that she called him in general. It was nice to hear his partner's voice even though it sounded so weak and defeated. He wanted to do so much to help her, but, he could only do as much as she would allow them. And until she was able to let those walls down, there wasn't a damn thing anyone can do.

"Liv, it's me, Nick,"He called out after figuring she wasn't going to answer unless he addresses himself. He waited for a moment longer before pounding on the door again.

"Olivia, I got your Ginger Ale, you can let me in,"He called out again. He was starting to get worried now because she would've answered the door by now.

He grabbed the doorknob to see if her door was locked, but it opened. Inside it looked the same only darker. He put his hand on his gun because his gut was telling him that something was very wrong. He drew his gun as he entered her quiet apartment.

"Liv, you ok," He called out seeing no immediate danger. He looked around, waiting for a response. He began to worry even more when he didn't get one. He walked around her apartment with his gun still drawn. He inspected her living room until his eye caught something very strange on the table. He walked over to her table and picked up the object. He gaped at it once his eyes let him register what it was.

He inhaled loudly. "She's pregnant?" He told himself in complete disbelief. "Olivia!"

He tossed the test on the floor and ran toward her bedroom. He rammed through the door and stopped in his tracks. She was lying on the bed with an empty pill bottle at her side and a note on the other. Nick didn't want to believe his eyes and his body was to frozen to move. He just stared at her body closely, looking for some indication that she was still alive. An arm twitch, a mumble, a chest rise, something that'll show him that she was still here with him. Once he didn't see any of those actions from her, he burst into tears.

He dragged his body to hers. He felt his warm fingers make contact with her neck. He knew he wouldn't find any sign of a pulse, but he just needed to feel that it was the truth. She was dead and it was his fault. He let her commit suicide. He wasn't there enough for her. She needed him and he wasn't there for her. He knew her reason to commit suicide was partly because of her untimely pregnancy, but he couldn't help but blame himself.

He didn't even go for the pill bottle as his eyes fixated on the note. His shaking hands picked it up and he began to read.

_Nick,_

_I'm pretty sure this is you reading this and I'm pretty sure you know why I really called you. If you are reading this, that means you've already found my body. I just couldn't do it anymore, living in darkness. The constant worrying, pain, scars, the sleepless nights, ongoing nightmares and pregnancy. I'm sure you seen the test when you barged yourself in. I didn't want to be my mother. I couldn't do it. I couldn't handle being trapped anymore by my own fears, Nick. And please don't blame yourself, please. It isn't your fault, it's mine. You've carried your fair share of my pain on your shoulder and you don't have to do that anymore, no one does. Live your life with your family because mine ended a long time ago. I have no family to pass on anything to, so I'm leaving everything up to you and I trust you to do the right thing. And when you see Brian, tell him this isn't his fault either. By now, I'm guessing you're confused and I would be too, but you'll get through it. And always remember, Nick, you've been a good partner._

_-Olivia _

His vision was blurred with tears as he read the last sentence of the note.

He looked up. "You're not trapped anymore Liv, you're free now."


End file.
